Ideas and Stuff
by ireadeverything
Summary: Contains my ideas and suggestions. Things won't be very long, but its all food for thought. Enjoy! M for implied sexual situations.
1. Let's be Honest 1-3

**So, I've read quite a few Familiar of Zero (Zero no Tsukiama) fanfics recently, and I'm fairly disturbed by the lack of realism present in them. Lets be honest here. In fact, I'm going to write "How it Should Have Gone"s for multiple scenes I think are stupid.**

**Here's the first, when the familiar gets summoned:**

_Fanfic - any where the future familiar has any combat experience and is armed._

"Don't move!"

[Insert Character Name Here] had his [insert weapon here] to the older, balding man's head. The short pink-haired girl and the man had been arguing about something which involved him. They probably couldn't understand his language, but they would hopefully get the gist of what he was saying.

The balding man immediately stiffened, realizing the potential threat that [insert character name here] was presenting him. However, the short, pink-haired girl just seemed to get more mad. Her angry blush got redder, and she reached into her robes, probably to pull out some kind of weapon.

[Insert Character Name Here]'s eyes widened, he had seen enough combat to know not to let your enemy regain their bearings.

"[Insert Appropriate Sound Effect Here]"

Louise's arm fell slack with her wand halfway out of her robes, as Professor Colbert's lifeless body hit the ground.

* * *

><p><strong><span>The Second:<span>**

_Fanfic - any where the future familiar has regeneration (such as Naruto)_

[Insert Character Name Here] looked at the runes carved into his (her) hand. They burned, and were a sign of his new bond with his supposed "master." An organic proof of his (her) forced subservience. A cattle brand. A tattoo of slavery.

[Insert Character Name Here] promptly took a kitchen knife and cut off the swath of skin on his hand where the runes were marked. It would grow back soon enough.

"Welp, I guess I'm free to do whatever I want now, right?"

* * *

><p><span><strong>The Third:<strong>

_Fanfic - any where the future familiar is attracted to females._

Louise started to get dressed.

[Insert Character Name Here] coughed, and looked at her. "Do you really want to do that with me in the room?"

She looked at her familiar with disdain. "You're just a lowly familiar, why should I care if you see me naked?" Huffing, she turned around and continued undressing.

[Insert Character Name Here] pulled down his (her) pants and underwear, and immediately started to take advantage of the situation.


	2. Summoning a Man

A Very Manly Summoning

Smoke burst into the air, a great puff that obscured much of the classroom.

Some might ask, "_What could possibly explode in the middle of an occupied classroom?_" Well, the cause was a simple circle. Not really a simple one, to be honest. It was a circle with mystical runes and shapes, forming a conglomerate object that seemed to pulse with contained potential.

It was this two-dimensional, arcane device that help the answer as to the puff of smoke.

All this went unregistered by the minds of the students and teacher that simply sat and waited, with baited breath, as to what would come out of the smoke.

A gust of wind blew by, scattering the top of the smoke into smaller clouds and wisps, which blew away to other corners of the massive building affectionately named a _school_ by its inhabitants. Out of the smoke walked a man. But not just any man, a big man. A **man**. With squinted eyes, and a proud countenance upon his face, the **man** looked quite intimidating. Disregarding the rest of his features of course. They were invisible to the watchers.

This is what caused Louis Valliere, sometimes known as _the Zero_ by her peers, to stutter with her next words.

"A-are you my f-familiar?"

Before she could obtain an answer, however, the rest of the white clouds dispersed, revealing the rest of the **man**'s body to the world around him.

He had very tanned skin, and had a **man**-ish bun on his head. He had an attractive face, and an upper body _so buff_ it was amazing that he was still mobile. His lower body was covered in grey pants, that only enhanced his **man**ly image. He stood very tall, towering over the short girl that summoned him. He had a neutral glare on his face, and he looked at her.

"I don't know what you mean by 'familiar.' I can only assume, however, that if I weren't then I wouldn't be here in the first place. Fair enough?"

She nodded vigorously, a little stupidly.

There were whispers in the back. _"Ha! Did you see that? Louise the Zero summoned a COMMONER! A Commoner!"_

However, while usually there were no responses to the taunts, the taunters had already disregarded the familiar as a threat. Too bad.

"SILENCE!"

The familiar slammed a wooden staff that he pulled out of somewhere onto the ground, and it shook with his authority. "I do not tolerate dissension in the ranks! Nor will I be referred to as Commoner! Commoners stay in the fields, working the land all day! You have no right to call anyone such unless you see them working! I am Captain Sheng and will be called such! Questions?"

The entire audience was cowed by his performance, and he left the room without trouble.

* * *

><p>Later that night, it shall be noted that there was a brief moment where the Captain had seen Guiche the Bronze in the company of a young female.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>The Next Morning<strong>

Captain Sheng entered the eating area, and paused. He saw Guiche, talking to another girl, one named Montmorency. It was clear he was wooing her and the other girl both, without either's consent or knowledge. He walked over, and confronted the boy.

"Guiche, why is it that I find you in the company of a different lady than you were with last night? A **man** does not need more than one partner."

Montmorency immediately turned on her date, and accused him. He stutterred, and ended up humiliated and without acknowledgement from the female population. He vented his anger on the nearest object, namely Captain Sheng.

"Idiot, lowly familiar! I challenge you to a duel!"

* * *

><p>The duel started with Guiche and Captain Sheng on opposite sides of an arena from one another. Guiche pulled out a rose, and announced "I am Guiche the Bronze, Earth mage! Rawr!" And he summoned his bronze Valkyries.<p>

Captain Sheng, stood there, with his pole. There were two ceramic pots on either side of him. He suddenly started chanting.

"Let's get down to business!"

He used the sides of stick to throw the pots into the air.

"To defeat-"

The audience gasped as he effortlessly smashed both pots mid-air as they were falling.

"The Bronze!"

The watchers responded with a resounding **"YEAH!"**

He pointed his stick at his opponent and addressed him directly.

"Am I fighting someone's daughter" he paused.

"Who I thought, was a son?" The audience laughed at the insult to Guiche's manliness, while he turned slightly purple.

"You're the saddest brat, I've ever met! But you can _bet! _Before we're through..." He slammed his pole on the ground and glared.

"Mister I'll... make a man... out of you."

Some servants played trumpets, while the watching nobles laughed.

Guiche sent three of his seven Valkyries at his opponent.

Captain Sheng threw up three apples.

"Tranquil as a forest!"

He picked up his bow, quickly knocked three arrows simultaneously, and let loose.

"But on fire, within."

**Thunck, thunck, thunck**. In an amazing display of archery, his arrows pierced the apples and nailed them to the skulls of the charging Valkyries.

Guiche snarled, and flung bronze darts at the Captain.

He took a stance, and placed a bucket on his own head.

"Once you find your center..."

He started spinning his staff, deflecting all incoming darts. He never let a single drop of water leave the bucket.

"You are sure... to win!"

Guiche paled. He had thought that would work. And it backfired.

"You're a spineless, pale, pathetic dolt..." He pulled out a strange wooden tube with a dragon's head carved on the top.

"And you haven't got a clue." He lit a match, and struck it against the bottom of the tube, sending the dragon's head spiraling into the sky.

"Somehow I'll..." He stood up, not facing Guiche.

"Make a **man**..." He turned to face him.

"Out of you!"

Guiche started sweating out of fear, and sent his remaining four Valkyries out. The crowd responded as one.

**"BE A MAN..."** They called.

"You must be swift as a a coursing river..." Captain Sheng responded as he dodged all four Valkyries, slipping between and coming up around the back.

**"BE A MAN..."**

"With all the force of a great typhoon..." The Captain _swept_ two of the Valkyries out of the arena, sending them flying away.

**"BE A MAN..."**

"And all the strength of a raging fire..." Two hands, two blows, and two Valkyries blown open, no longer usable. Guiche was crawling backwards on his but, as the Captain stood above him.

"Mysterious as the dark side of THE MOOOOOON!" Captain Sheng turned around, and started walking in slow motion away from Guiche, as the Firework from before hit right behind him, causing a comically huge explosion.


	3. Let's Be Honest 4-6

**So, I've read quite a few Familiar of Zero (Zero no Tsukiama) fanfics recently, and I'm fairly disturbed by the lack of realism present in them. Lets be honest here. In fact, I'm going to write "How it Should Have Gone"s for multiple scenes I think are stupid.**

**This is a continuation of Chapter 1.**

**The Fourth:**

_Fanfic - any where the future familiar has a backbone._

"Familiar, by the time I get up in the morning, I expect you to have washed all my clothes. Got it?"

Louise promptly fell asleep.

When she woke up, she had an ache in her bones that was not usually associated with sleeping on her warm, comfy, bed...

That was currently occupied by [Insert Character Name Here].

She sat up in shock, and looked down.

She was laying in a pile of her _still dirty_ clothes, _on the floor!_

* * *

><p><span><strong>The Fifth:<strong>

_Fanfic - same as previous, any backboned familiar_

"Familiar, you are going to eat food on the floor, like a dog!"

[Insert Character Name Here] looked at her incredulously, before picking her up, moving her over, sitting next to her in the new place, and starting to eat food.

* * *

><p><span><strong>The Sixth:<strong>

_Fanfic - any intelligent familiar that fights consistantly_

"I get it, alright? You're looking down on me because I can't do magic like everyone else! Stop looking down on me."

[Insert Character Name Here] just stared at her.

She blushed redder. "Stop staring!"

"So you... are good at exploding things?"

"Yeah, so?"

"And your country has a military, right?"

"Yeah, so"

"And there are _nobles_ in the military, right?"

"Of course! Without them, our country would be overrun!"

"So why not become some sort of military battle-mage that utterly annihilates the enemy forces with explosions?"

Louise looked like she was about to say something, then stopped. And stared. Then looked up at the ceiling. Then stared back at [Insert Character Name Here], an embarrassed blush growing on her cheeks.

"Shut up, stupid familiar!"


End file.
